WILMINGTON, DE. — June 6, 2025
In a press conference that stunned reporters late on Thursday, Former President Joe Biden unexpectedly appeared to declare:
“The 2024 election? Malarkey. Straight-up rigged. And I’ve got the receipts.”
Wearing aviators and sipping from a “Dark Brandon Rises” coffee mug, Biden slammed his notes on the podium, then pulled out an iPad and held it upside down as he attempted to play what he described as a “mind-blowing thread from Elon Musk.”
“Look — even that guy with the flamethrowers said it was fishy,” Biden barked. “He tweeted — lemme find it here — ‘AI detected anomalous ballot behavior in Detroit, probably not real humans. Might be bots. Or ghosts. #AnomalyConfirmed’ — that’s science, folks!”
When pressed by reporters on whether that counted as actual evidence, Biden doubled down:
“Come on, man! Elon’s a genius! You ever build a rocket? You ever name your kid after a password? That’s innovation! That’s truth!”
Citing the Trump Assassin’s Diary
Biden then held up what he claimed was a journal from the failed Trump assassin, obtained through “a guy named Tony from Wilmington who knows a guy who vapes outside the FBI.”
“It says right here in ballpoint pen: ‘The whole thing was rigged, probably by Big Avocado and the Wi-Fi towers.’ You tell me that’s not suspicious!”
He then looked up at the sun, “WHO’S REALLY IN CHARGE HERE, HUH?”
“I Want My Damn Office Back!”
The 82-year-old ex-president concluded the presser by demanding a full “electoral rematch in a neutral location — like Buffalo Wild Wings or the moon.”
“I want my office back. The good one. Not this AI-controlled hologram thing. Ever since the transition, the thermostat keeps changing to Celsius and my pens keep floating.”
He added, “Kamala keeps laughing in binary and calling me ‘version 1.0.’ I don’t trust it.”
Musk Responds with a Meme and an Offer
Elon Musk quickly responded to the president’s claims on X:
“Biden might be onto something… or maybe he’s just hallucinating the blockchain again. Either way, I’m sending him a Neuralink trial invite and a free Dogecoin hoodie.”