WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unprecedented show of national unity, over 330 million Americans (and counting) have come together to file a class-action lawsuit against former President Donald J. Trump, citing “prolonged, repeated, and intentional infliction of mental anguish.”
The move comes just days after President Trump claimed in a legal filing that he personally suffered “mental anguish” from a disputed CBS interview with then Vice President Kamala Harris. The American public, apparently fed up with the irony, responded swiftly.
“Oh he has mental anguish?!” shouted Karen T. of Ohio, lead plaintiff #117,203. “Try watching him stare directly at a solar eclipse without glasses, then explain hurricanes with a Sharpie. We’ve been in collective therapy since 2016.”
The class-action lawsuit, titled People of the United States vs. That Guy from TV, outlines hundreds of documented psychological injuries, including:
- Whiplash from constant policy reversals
- Nightmares involving bleach injections and glowing maps
- Severe trust issues after hearing “It’ll be over by Easter” (three Easters ago)
- Chronic fatigue from doomscrolling his 3 a.m. tweets
- Widespread confusion after repeated use of phrases like “bigly,” “covfefe,” and “Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.”
One subsection details trauma caused by Trump’s dancing at campaign rallies, listed under “visual abuse.”
The therapy industry has reportedly seen a boom since the lawsuit was filed. “We call it the Trump Bump,” said Dr. Hannah Stein, a licensed trauma counselor. “Half my clients speak only in all-caps now and experience panic attacks when they hear the word ‘tremendous.’”
Trump’s legal team, responding with characteristic understatement, dismissed the suit as “FAKE, ILLEGAL, and probably funded by windmills.”
Trump himself posted a 900-word response on Truth Social, which read in part:
“Nobody causes less anguish than me. People say I’m like a very stable sedative. Way better for your brain than sleepy Joe. Also, my mental anguish is presidential anguish, which is more important than your anguish.”
In response, the plaintiffs added an addendum demanding reparations in the form of free universal therapy, a national nap, and an executive order banning red ties longer than 60 inches.
Legal experts predict the case could take years but note that, for once, both liberals and conservatives agree:
“We’re all just… so tired.”