“We’re basically their Netflix — but dumber,” says exasperated scientist
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL — In an unexpected twist that has scientists baffled and Hollywood agents intrigued, NASA has confirmed that a signal received from Proxima Centauri wasn’t a distress call, but a subscription renewal notice for a galactic reality TV feed: “Keeping Up with the Humans.”
“We thought it was a coded cry for help,” explained Dr. Lena Ortega, lead astrophysicist at NASA’s SETI division. “After hours of decoding, we realized it was just one alien shouting, ‘Bro, did you see what they did in Ohio this week?’ followed by 36 straight hours of interstellar laughter.”
According to translated snippets, the extraterrestrial audience — a hyper-intelligent species known as the Zarnak Collective — has been passively watching Earth for the past 3,000 years. However, viewership spiked dramatically in the last two decades, thanks to social media, flat-Earth debates, and the inexplicable rise of pumpkin spice everything.
“They love the chaos,” Ortega sighed. “Fast food wars, influencer breakups, competitive eating contests… they describe it as ‘primitive brilliance with commercial breaks.’”
NASA insiders say the Zarnak have begun discussing Earth’s “story arcs” with the same intensity as humans discuss Game of Thrones. One leaked message stated:
“Season 2020 was a wild reboot. Ratings went off the charts. We almost greenlit a spin-off on New Zealand, but America keeps delivering.”
NASA confirmed, they are watching us.
The aliens reportedly voted unanimously to renew Earth for “at least one more season — maybe two if the Florida storyline keeps escalating.”
When asked to name their favorite human, the aliens didn’t hesitate:
“Greg the Cat.”
A minor TikTok star known for dramatic meows and knocking wine glasses off counters. “He’s unpredictable, mysterious, and walks the line between hero and chaos agent,” said one Zarnak.
Netflix has already reached out for rights negotiations, while Earth is quietly scrambling to decide whether this counts as a first contact or just extremely invasive fan behavior.
NASA remains cautiously optimistic. “Honestly,” said Dr. Ortega, “as long as we don’t get canceled, we’re calling this a win.”